December 13, 2006

Asking for insight, not forgiveness

Sometimes, when counseling someone on repenting of a sin against someone else (especially a spouse), I've passed on advice I've heard from others: Don't ask for forgiveness; ask for insight.

The idea is to avoid the (masculine?) tendency to say, “I'm sorry…. Are we all better now?” by asking first, “How did my sin hurt you? What did it feel like? What did you think I was doing?”

In What makes for a great apology?, Phil Monroe rounds this out far better than I ever could have, including the idea but expanding upon it. It's scary, actually:

  1. Please tell me how my actions impacted you and others.
  2. What can I do to relieve your pain? How can I make it right?
…

The sacrificial nature of the 3rd and 4th items may be the hardest for us to do, especially if we think the other party either started it or sinned against us as well.

Posted by ronlusk at December 13, 2006 10:34 AM | TrackBack